(no subject)

I physically and mentally do not know what to do with myself anymore.
I feel tortured living in my body. 
I feel trapped, in every aspect of my life.

I hope for your sake you don't wake up
as broken as I am.

  • Current Music
    A Goodnight's Sleep

(no subject)

I needed yesterday so badly.
That was the best day I've had in a long time.

it's funny how you find you 
enjoy your life when you're 
happy to be alive

i'm on fire when you're near me. 
i'm on fire when you speak

(no subject)

I am ashamed that I can count on one hand the number of times I have been happy.
I am ashamed that I am so unhappy when there are people with far worse lives than mine.
I am ashamed of having absolutely no purpose in the world.
I am ashamed of thinking my life will fall into place for me, when I should be doing something                            
                            about it myself.
I am ashamed that I have put all of my trust into music, into bands I will likely never meet.
I am ashamed that my family is not as wealthy as most of my town.
I am ashamed of giving up on everything I have ever tried, and of not being good at anything.
I am ashamed that I have never been in a relationship.
I am ashamed of caring so much what people think of me and then lying by saying that I don't.
I am ashamed of being so boring and ordinary and of not having the courage to do
                           something life-changing.
I am ashamed of occaisonally questioning my religion.
I am ashamed of not fearing death.
I am ashamed of not knowing why I am here, living and breathing on this Earth.
I am ashamed of being socially awkward.
I am ashamed of taking advantage of my parents' unconditional love.
I am ashamed of sometimes wishing that I lived my life completely different.
I am ashamed of not being beautiful.
I am ashamed of how I do in school.
I am ashamed of every word that comes out of my mouth.

I am ashamed.

(no subject)

To four of the most important people in my life,

You apologize for not knowing how to help me.
What you don't realize is just by being yourselves, you keep me alive.
Only you can see right through every lie I tell and every smile I fake.
You are my sources of self-confidence, just by being my friends.
Knowing that four such incredible people care about me
convinces me that I must be here for a reason.
Me, the girl who always has something to say,
can not come up any words that could portray the thanks I have for you.

Everyday, each one of you saves my life.

"Thank you" will not ever be enough.

(no subject)

For the first time in God knows how many years,
I am ashamed of my differences.
I would do anything in the world to be normal.

maybe you just can't relate
but this is what i live each day for

It's 11:11. I have nothing to wish for but happiness.

(no subject)

 I need inspiration.
Music is the only thing that I have ever been able to
draw inspiration from. That's such a sad concept.

  • Current Music

(no subject)

A talk I had the other day got me thinking. 
People complain about their friends and how much
pain they cause them. Yet, they stay friends with them,
or atleast pretend to be, just because their other friends
still speak with this person, or people. You can complain all
you want. Sure, dealing with the shit people give you takes
some strength. But guess what? That makes you a fake person.
Want to know what takes an unimaginable amount of strength?
Being able to realize that you can do without this person and
that you have enough good friends in your life and you don't
care if losing this "friendship", if you can call it that, will make
your social life awkward. For God's sake, we're sixteen years old.
Are people really not mature enough to realize this? People say
"Oh well, it's not like we're really friends anyway. I just don't want
things to be awkward when we all hang out." What kind of fucking
response is that. You're just going to stay miserable about a 
situation even longer. And it's your fault.

So, I've been doing some "cleansing" myself. People may call me
too opinionated or say I need to just let things go, but I believe that 
I'm mature enough to know who I do and don't want to be friends with.

Also, to the person I had this conversation with, I respect you so much
for what you're doing. I think people underestimate how strong of
a person you really are.