?

Log in

No account? Create an account
you wish you were amazin' [entries|friends|calendar]
Cara's

AboutME Lovers Add?
record / rewrite / remember
[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

Revealed on November 25th, 2007 @ 7:22 pm
[
]

I physically and mentally do not know what to do with myself anymore.
I feel tortured living in my body. 
I feel trapped, in every aspect of my life.

I hope for your sake you don't wake up
as broken as I am.

1 all we know is falling|riot!

Revealed on November 18th, 2007 @ 2:20 pm
[
]

I needed yesterday so badly.
That was the best day I've had in a long time.



it's funny how you find you 
enjoy your life when you're 
happy to be alive

i'm on fire when you're near me. 
i'm on fire when you speak

2 all we know is falling|riot!

Revealed on November 10th, 2007 @ 9:41 pm
[
]

I am ashamed that I can count on one hand the number of times I have been happy.
I am ashamed that I am so unhappy when there are people with far worse lives than mine.
I am ashamed of having absolutely no purpose in the world.
I am ashamed of thinking my life will fall into place for me, when I should be doing something                            
                            about it myself.
I am ashamed that I have put all of my trust into music, into bands I will likely never meet.
I am ashamed that my family is not as wealthy as most of my town.
I am ashamed of giving up on everything I have ever tried, and of not being good at anything.
I am ashamed that I have never been in a relationship.
I am ashamed of caring so much what people think of me and then lying by saying that I don't.
I am ashamed of being so boring and ordinary and of not having the courage to do
                           something life-changing.
I am ashamed of occaisonally questioning my religion.
I am ashamed of not fearing death.
I am ashamed of not knowing why I am here, living and breathing on this Earth.
I am ashamed of being socially awkward.
I am ashamed of taking advantage of my parents' unconditional love.
I am ashamed of sometimes wishing that I lived my life completely different.
I am ashamed of not being beautiful.
I am ashamed of how I do in school.
I am ashamed of every word that comes out of my mouth.

I am ashamed.
                             

1 all we know is falling|riot!

Revealed on November 4th, 2007 @ 8:05 pm
[
]

To four of the most important people in my life,

You apologize for not knowing how to help me.
What you don't realize is just by being yourselves, you keep me alive.
Only you can see right through every lie I tell and every smile I fake.
You are my sources of self-confidence, just by being my friends.
Knowing that four such incredible people care about me
convinces me that I must be here for a reason.
Me, the girl who always has something to say,
can not come up any words that could portray the thanks I have for you.

Everyday, each one of you saves my life.

"Thank you" will not ever be enough.




riot!

Revealed on November 3rd, 2007 @ 11:13 pm
[
]

For the first time in God knows how many years,
I am ashamed of my differences.
I would do anything in the world to be normal.

maybe you just can't relate
but this is what i live each day for

It's 11:11. I have nothing to wish for but happiness.

riot!

Revealed on November 2nd, 2007 @ 3:36 pm
[
]

I will stand alone.
I will learn from this, I will.
I will mourn the loss.
I will be stronger.

riot!

Revealed on October 29th, 2007 @ 8:13 pm
[
]

 I need inspiration.
Music is the only thing that I have ever been able to
draw inspiration from. That's such a sad concept.


1 all we know is falling|riot!

Revealed on October 28th, 2007 @ 4:13 pm
[
]

 I just wanna believe.  


riot!

Revealed on October 22nd, 2007 @ 5:33 pm
[
]
 Just when I thought this week couldn't get any worse...
riot!

Revealed on October 10th, 2007 @ 7:49 pm
[
]

A talk I had the other day got me thinking. 
People complain about their friends and how much
pain they cause them. Yet, they stay friends with them,
or atleast pretend to be, just because their other friends
still speak with this person, or people. You can complain all
you want. Sure, dealing with the shit people give you takes
some strength. But guess what? That makes you a fake person.
Want to know what takes an unimaginable amount of strength?
Being able to realize that you can do without this person and
that you have enough good friends in your life and you don't
care if losing this "friendship", if you can call it that, will make
your social life awkward. For God's sake, we're sixteen years old.
Are people really not mature enough to realize this? People say
"Oh well, it's not like we're really friends anyway. I just don't want
things to be awkward when we all hang out." What kind of fucking
response is that. You're just going to stay miserable about a 
situation even longer. And it's your fault.

So, I've been doing some "cleansing" myself. People may call me
too opinionated or say I need to just let things go, but I believe that 
I'm mature enough to know who I do and don't want to be friends with.

Also, to the person I had this conversation with, I respect you so much
for what you're doing. I think people underestimate how strong of
a person you really are.

1 all we know is falling|riot!

Revealed on October 2nd, 2007 @ 4:46 pm
[
]
I'm about to rip the hair out of my head.
The pain would be nothing compared to this.
1 all we know is falling|riot!

Revealed on September 23rd, 2007 @ 9:50 pm
[
]

The other day a friend and I were talking about depression, and
how it is heredetary. It made me think that maybe I don't ever want kids.
I could never live with myself knowing that I gave life to someone
who would one day go through the pain I feel every single day;
someone who would turn 16 and still not know of happyness; someone
who lies awake at night and wonders why anything in the world matters
if everyone eventually dies anyway.

My mom asks me if I'm ok and I tell her yes; but she can see right through
me and I know it. I also know how much it hurts her that I have to lie to
her. She is my best friend and it kills me to see her upset, although she is
too selfless to admit it. I cried uncontrollable tears when I found out that
my dad, my father, would love to be a teacher. I told my mom I'd give up
the comfortable lives we lead so that he'd be able to do that. 

Today, I told him that he hasn't changed a bit since I first met him 3 years
ago. What I really wanted to say was that in those 3 years, I haven't met 
anyone nearly as incredible.

I pretend that I don't care if I get a bad grade. I lie. I just can't admit that
I do care, because that would be admitting that I failed. Even though my
friends don't show off their grades, I can tell what they think when they find
out I got a B, or that they don't really listen to me if I suggest an answer. I'm
sorry that I'm not smart enough for anyone.

Telling me to be happy or to lighten up or something else of that sort, is
not the answer. If it was that simple, I wouldn't be in the position that I am
now. Don't ever think that I bring this upon myself because I'd do anything
in the world to be happy. 

This problem...it's gotten out of hand...scary out of hand and my mom's the
only person I've told. I don't think I can repeat it again but she's going to
make me. 

I really have no reason to right here anymore, but I just wanted to let you
know all of this, so you don't have to ask me if I'm alright. 
Because the answer is no.

1 all we know is falling|riot!

Revealed on September 12th, 2007 @ 2:40 pm
[
]

I really, really hate to complaing about this.
But, I feel that I need to.
The whole world stops for Christmas, Easter, and whatever other 
huge Christian holidays are celebrated.
I don't think people realize how hard it is to stop your own
personal world for holidays such as Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur
while the rest of the population goes about their normal lives.
I love being Jewish and I take so much pride in it but
it is incredibly difficult to be a religious minority.
I don't want to be the kind of person who says that this and that
are not fair, because I know, the world isn't fair.
But it gets tiring taking so much shit, being Jewish,
and not even being able to peacefully celebrate the two most
holy days of the year. I'm not an ultra religious person,
but I feel that when these days can't be celebrated to their
fullest, it's like going against God.



from the inside out,
i feel i'm burning alive
and from my head down
i feel i'm losing the fight

riot!

Revealed on September 9th, 2007 @ 7:45 pm
[
]

This has been the best summer I've experienced thus far.
I'm at a loss of words to describe it, which is unusual.
I think that I stopped caring about what people think of me and all the negative
and started to live my life, and be who I am, regardless of what anyone thinks.
I got to experience something so unique that, to sum it up, changed my life.
I've been able to identify where I stand with all of my friends
and I've gotten close to so many people.
I think that I finally can be ok with...everything.
I've also smiled more than I have in a long time.

Goodbye, I miss you already.



I was certain that the season
could be held between my arms.
Just as summer's hold is fleeting,
I was here but now I'm gone.

 

2 all we know is falling|riot!

Revealed on September 4th, 2007 @ 11:35 am
[
]

I can't stand people listening to the music I do. There, I said it. I'm sorry.
It's not because I'm a selfish bitch. It's because it physically hurts me inside.
Why? Because people don't understand that a certain song they now love
was once my best friend and my reassurance that I wasn't the only person
who felt a certain way. I feel that if someone else knows this song, they can
see right through me; like it's letting people into everything I work so hard to
hide. I know it's hard to understand because it's just a song, or just a band but
to me, it's not. To me, it's my depression, my anger, my hapiness, my love. It's
every time I cried myself to sleep and every time no one could take away my smile.
My music represents my ability to not let people in and make myself vulnerable.

I'm sorry if people take this the wrong way, but I really needed to say that.

2 all we know is falling|riot!

Revealed on August 24th, 2007 @ 2:39 pm
[
]

I haven't done one of these in a long, long time.

1. Basically things have just gone downhill all year. I feel like we're not even friends 
    anymore, and that you don't give a shit. I mean, when's the last time we've talked? 
    Let alone have an actual, meaningful conversation.

2. I hope you meant what you said because sometimes you act like I'm one of your best
    friends and other times, like I'm a burden to you.

3. I know you don't consider any one person your best friend but to me, that's what you've
    been. I couldn't possibly ask for a better friend than you. No one else has tolerated me
    when I thought I'd never be ok. No one else has listened to me rant about childish things
    and not judged me about them. No one else confides in me as much as you do. No one
    else makes me feel like a good person. So, thank you for doing more than you even imagine.

4. I wish we'd been able to maintain the friendship we had at the beginning of the summer. I
    really like you...alot.

5. Pretty much, I hope with all of my heart that you die and burn in hell.

6. You're one of the coolest people I know. Seriously, you're such a good person to talk to and
    hanging out with you always means we'll have fun.

riot!

Revealed on August 19th, 2007 @ 5:17 pm
[
]

I have found huge motivaton for doing well this year in school.




I also fell in love.

4 all we know is falling|riot!

Revealed on July 30th, 2007 @ 3:02 pm
[
]

I'm so glad to be home; being away from home for a month is difficult.
But when I say that this was the best summer of my life, 
I mean it from the bottom of my heart.
The people that I met were some of the nicest, most hilarious, 
interesting and inspiring human beings I've gotten 
to know in all of my sixteen years.
This past month has changed my life for the better 
and I will never forget any minute of it.
I have enough memories to last me a lifetime.
M.T.V. Summer 2007 - Rishon - Stupid Six


whatever tomorrow brings
i'll be there
with open arms and open eyes


andrew asaf avital aviva ben brian cara corinne dor eden elissa geva haddy hay jared 
lindsey mai matt mor oren sam sarah shannon shir shir sivan tal tali yael yaniv yarden

1 all we know is falling|riot!

Revealed on June 17th, 2007 @ 3:07 pm
[
]

I need inspiration,
from somewhere, someone.
Maybe I'm not looking hard enough, or maybe it's just not there.
I'm so bored with...everything. 
And I'm so fed up with people judging me.
Just because I'm sometimes quiet and sad doesn't mean I'm "emo or anti-social".
I know you were "just kidding" but guess what? It's not funny.



i'm not scared to die
but i'm a little bit scared
of what comes after.
do i get the gold chariot
or do i float through the ceiling?

1 all we know is falling|riot!

Revealed on June 14th, 2007 @ 4:04 pm
[
]

I physically can't look at myself in the mirror anymore.
I sleep during the day just to pass time by.
I cry because it's almost, cleansing.



i am outside and
i've been waiting for the sun
with my wide eyes
i've seen worlds that don't belong
my mouth is dry with
words i can not verbalize
tell me why we live like this


riot!

navigation
[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]